Naughty, Naughty Ron Artest

Getting back to basketball for a moment, no one who's followed the career of important musical artist Ron Artest should be at all surprised by his latest suspension. In fact, if anything, we should be surprised thathe's still free to walk among his fellow man; in his five-plus seasons in the NBA, Mr. Artest has been suspended nearly a thousand different times, following incidents ranging from kicking Kenyon martin in the shin, to setting fire to a Minneapolis kindergarten. For your edification, here is a list of some of Artest's on- and off-court misadventures.

• December 18, 1999 - Artest prevents Grizzlies forward Shareef Abdur Rahim from driving to the basket by stabbing him six times in the abdomen. Artest is suspended for 6 games and fined $20,000.
• April 2, 1999 - Artest beats teammate Dickey Simpkins within an inch of his life during a timeout huddle. Artest is benched two games as a "team disciplinary action."
• February 11, 2000 - Artest forces fellow Bulls guard Fred Hoiberg to fellate him at gunpoint during the halftime show "The Cool-a Hoops!", follows this by shooting at random into the crowd, which was fortunately thin, as the Bulls were terrible and nobody wants to see a bunch of adults dancing around with Hula Hoops, no matter how adept at it they are. Artest is fined an undisclosed amount by the league and made to shoot a public service announcement.
• November 6, 2001 - After a breathtaking, overtime win against the Spurs in San Antonio, Artest lurks around the Alamodome parking lot for an hour before finally raping and killing a suburban family and stealing their minivan. He goes on a weekend-long crime spree throughout the general San Antonio region before fleeing for a small village in Mexico, which he decimates by intentionally introducing typhus to their community. He is suspended by the league for three games (reduced to two after he kind of apologizes in the press).
• March 1, 2002 - Artest refers to Pacers teammate Jonathan Bender as his "nigga." Suspended 11 games for "behavior incompatible to league sensitivty standards." Suspension nullified after the Players' Association succesfully argues that Artest is black.
• January 28, 2003 - Moments after the opening tip-off, Artest mercilessly beats referree Dick Bavetta with a cast iron skillet he'd secreted* in his shorts, allegedly because Bavetta "looked at [him] funny." Exhausted, the league throws up its hands, asks, "Why us?" No one is there to answer it.
• November 2, 2004 - Ever the prankster, Artest drops napalm from the rafters of a jam-packed Conseco Fieldhouse, killing over 11,000. Disciplinary action was being considered at the time of Friday's infamous brawl.

So there you go. And there but for the grace of God go I. I can't speak for the rest of you, nor would I choose to if I could.


*Secreted as in 'hidden', not as in 'it came out of some opening in his body'.