Sometimes trying's just not good enough.

There seems to be a good deal of confusion about who I really am and what I really stand for. Please allow me to clear things up for you.

I AM:

• The holder of the third highest winning percentage among all jockeys between 1991 and 2003 (min. 20 races)
• The world's fattest male Cher tribute artist
• A licensed optometrist in the states of Maine and Kentucky
• Third in line to the Glade air freshener throne
• The answer to the world's most mysterious riddle
• A certified authority on over two hundred different topics, ranging from turtle trapping to drop-forging
• Wanted in connection for the 1980 murder of Dr. Herman Tarnower
• The lunatic scion of one of America's oldest and most dangerous political families
• Over four hundred feet tall in my stocking feet
• The proud owner of Sonny Liston's skull
• A consummate professional, a threat to public decency, and a purveyor of empty illusions

I AM NOT:

• The inventor of 2000 Flushes Blue
• Hans Christian Andersen
• Half-man, half-kangaroo
• The person responsible for the devastating 1889 flood that killed over 2000 residents of the city of Johnstown
• The star of TV's "Hart to Hart"
• Transcribing this rather forced entry word for word from old copies of the Congressional Record
• Running out of steam
• Wishing I never had a stupid website in the first place
• About to give up
• Ready for beddy-byes
• Made of paste and staples
• To be trusted around your saucy wives
• Mark Philippoussis

All right, anyway, all that hilarity aside, please do yourselves a favor and listen to my lastest audio gem. I'm not going to go so far as to claim that it is good, but I do feel it is the funniest audio thingy I've done to date, which is more than I can say for any of your audio thingies, assholes.