Did you see this in the news? True story...

A while ago, I took notes on every aspect of Channel 7's 11 o'clock news. Tonight, I have decided, as that horrible Emeril LeGasse would say, to kick it up a notch and go for one of the three hour-long 10 o'clock local news offerings. After much consideration, I've chosen KCAL 9's broadcast, as, unlike KTLA 5 (UPN) and KTTV 11 (FOX), KCAL 9 is an independent channel, and thus more likely to be really bad. We shall see...

Escaped inmate Downtown - 5 cops standing around, in case escapee tries to get on a bus. Believed to be running around in his thermal underwear after ditching his orange jumpsuit.

Scott Peterson - "Two year anniversary of Scott Peterson's monstrous plan--the day he bought the boat." Legal analyst Jim Hammer thinks the DA did a good job. Defense summarized as "Life without the possibility of parole isn't a picnic."

Sexy Stacey Butler reports Wreckage of a JPL van has been hauled up a mountainside in the Angeles Forest. Grief counseling offered to JPL employees. Three women died, all of them extremely ugly, 7 people lived. JPL spokesperson Blaine Bladgett calls CHP officers heroes for finding the wreckage. No skidmarks at the scene... and no explanation of what JPL is.

17 year old black kid was attacked in Simi Valley by 4 white men who shouted racial slurs at him and beat him. It's being considered a hate crime.

Dimebag Darryl killing - Dumb guy thought it was part of the stage show. Other dumb guy believes the killing was personal. Killer wore giant glasses and had bad skin.

More details on use of taser on gang rape suspect, considered unnecessary force after inmate "threw a tantrum." Sleazy lawyer with sleazier mustache said there was no provocation.

Criminal charges dropped against 4 officers previously convicted in the Rampart scandal. Too much time had passed for judge to decide on new findings, so they were freed. Hooray!

Coming up - Ugly woman disappears from cruise ship, Mike Tyson arrested for the billionth time, follow up on escapee, Mexican women dance with pineapples on their shoulders in honor of Our Lady of Guadalupe, and seriously hot, ditzy weathergirl has weather for us!

Police found the orange jumpsuit!

Driver ran a red light in S. LA, drove into someone's house, where a woman was sleeping.

Tyson "known for putting quite a few dents in his opponent. Now, he's beat up a car."

Wisc. woman disappears on cruise ship. Family believes she was thrown into the ocean. Her retarded husband believes a child might have seen something.

No sign of 6 people missing after helicopter crash in the Bering Sea. 4 have been rescued, but hope is running out for the other six. (I, for one, am keeping my fingers crossed.)

Coming up: Food crisis in space! Plus tense moments for 12 year old skier when he finds himself dangling dozens of feet in the air. Plus sexy weather with Jackie Johnson. (Soldier sends unintelligible holiday greetings from Qatar.)

--commercial note: Carl's Jr. now offers something called "The Double Pastrami Burger."--

12-year-old's backpack got stuck on a chair lift in Utah. Fell 20 fit without incident.

Giggly valley girl Jackie Johnson tells us the weather's gonna be so nice, we can go to the beach, but we can still look at holiday lights! If you want your decorated house on tv, go to KCAL9.com. Live look outside at clear skies, but there may be PATCHY FOG by morning. Oh my God, who cares about weather? I seriously want to fuck this girl. So hot, so dumb. High pressure acting like a shield, so we don't have to worry about rain, even into the extended forecast. Goddamn, I would rim this bitch, that's how fucking sexy she is. Record highs on Saturday? Forecast of 81. Hot, but not half as hot as you, Jackie Johnson.

"A native of Plymouth, Michigan, Johnson attended the
University of Southern Alabama, concentrating on meteorology,
and then went on to Middle Tennessee State University
to get her degree in broadcast journalism."

NOTE - Photo does not fully convey subject's fuckability

Coming up: A dog is wandering around looking for that escapee. Live report from new Las Vegas-style casino. Women refuse to work out with men. Some airline is returning to a country it hasn't flown to in THIRTY YEARS!

--commercial note: Big Lots has a poker table on sale for 29.99 (reg. 39.99). Sadly, it's not available in Alabama. I guess poker tables are illegal in Alabama.--

Escapee - Bus stop was cordoned off because they wanted to find that jumpsuit, which turned up in a trash can. Inmate believed to be headed back home to Altadena. Black male believed to be running around in his underwear. Dogs trying to get his scent on Alameda Ave.

Smiley robot Greg Mills reports: New casino right here in California. Casino Morongo opened near Palm Springs. Destiny's Child just finished up a great performance. Goal is to be a 4 star, 4 diamond property. Beautiful, Las Vegas-style resort. "Growth potential is somewhat unlimited" says spokesman. No one points out that the place has the word 'moron' in its name.

United becomes 1st US carrier to offer daily fares to Vietnam since fall of Saigon.

Dozens of women who joined Linda Evans Fitness Centers are angry because most locations have closed. Long term contracts can be transferred to coed facilities, though many women joined that club because they didn't want to work out in front of sweaty, leering men.

Cybil Sheppard is speaking out for Irritable Bowel Syndrome. Unclear whether she's for it or against it. I wonder how Linda Evans's bowels are doing...

2 astronauts aboard space station are running out of food-- "No 7-11s out there." Cannibalism in the cards? Sorry, that's just me editorializing.

Florida family has moved into the backyard because they're tired of their kids not helping out around the house. Lead anchors feel this is "drastic."

New clothing line with a religious theme. Jewish reporter Lisa Siegel tells us that 3 sisters, daughters of a rabbi, started a clothing line with mildly whimsical sayings on their clothing "You had me at Shalom." "Oy Vey." Segment mostly shows the four family members explaining familiar Yiddish expressions, while aprrox. 1000 babies cry in the background. Fun! WASPy anchor David Jackson says he's verklempt, as self-consciously unfunny as anyone has ever been.

David Jackson: Not a real jew

Cathedral of Our Lady of the Angels - "Indigenous folk dancers" from Mexico dance sluggishly with pineapples on their shoulders, plus, there's a cloak on which an image of the Virgin Mary once appeared!

Sports Central with Alan Massengale is next, but I think I'll pass. This has been surprisingly taxing.