No Love = No New Material

What have I ever done for you but give, give, give? Oh well. Here's something from way back in 2002:

December 12

Had a major let-down tonight when it turned out the Ian Ziering who ordered a mushroom and bacon Big New Yorker wasn't the same Ian Ziering who played Steve Sanders on 90210. But maybe it was for the best. It might have been weird.

It all goes back to '95, when I was a fresh-faced and innocent farm girl straight out of school and straight into the dizzying, tinselly lights of Hollywood Boulevard, which is where the bus let me off. I was overwhelmed—I'd never even seen electric lights before, let alone fat, disappointed tourists. I stood there, in front of Hollywood Pants, trying to figure out where to go, what to do, when a cherry red Lamborghini Testarossa screeched to a stop beside me. The passenger side door flipped up slowly, revealing none other than Brian Austin Green. I was speechless. He gave me a big, confident smile and asked, "New in town?" I nodded. He motioned with his head and said "Come on, get in." I did.

He took me to his house in Malibu. His chef made us some grilled cheese sandwiches, then Brian took me downstairs to his studio and played me the demos for the album he was working on. It was really good! The we went upstairs and ate more grilled cheese sandwiches and then, when it got dark, we took a walk on the beach and he sang to me. He told me that being on 90210 was hard sometimes, but he said he really liked the people he worked with. I made a couple of jokey comments about David (his character) and Donna (Tori Spelling's character) getting back together, but he didn't like me doing that, so I stopped. I don't really remember if we actually talked about much. After a while, I got a really bad cramp in my foot and fell to the ground, screaming, and Brian got all panicky and didn't know what to do. I honestly think he would have just run away and left me if I hadn't recovered as quickly as I did (no thanks to him).

Nonetheless, when we got back, I eagerly gave up the cooch, since every girl makes her first time sound horrible and therefore it probably would have been horrible for me no matter what, so I figured I may as well let a celebrity do it. So he did, and it was horrible. When he went to the bathroom, I took the condom and impregnated myself with its contents. Brian came back from the bathroom and told me he'd call a cab for me, but I refused to leave, so he called the cops and they came and locked me up for close to four months, and I think the only reason they let me out so early is that I was pregnant. So I got out and I called Brian—who had a restraining order out against me—and told him I was pregnant with his baby. He told me that if I called him again, he'd have me killed, so I called a lawyer from the Yellow Pages and told him about everything. The lawyer was very excited and eventually agreed to work on contingency, which was fortunate, as I had $140 to my name and, while I was in jail, Mr. Sneedly's bank foreclosed on my parents' farm, leaving them to find work as grave-robbers upstate and unable to help me financially.

The trial went on for months, and in the end the judge threw out the suit and fined me $10,000 for contempt. If I was unable to pay, I'd be forced to return to jail and give birth there. I was in a bind, so I did the only thing I could do: I arranged to sell my baby, upon its birth, to Ian Ziering, for use in an occult anti-aging ritual, and in exchange he would give me the $10,000 I needed and the gift of eternal life. O! would that it were a gift! For now I am cursed to walk this earth for eternity, with shame and regret my only companions. Which is why it would have been awkward to deliver a pizza to Ian Ziering.