Please Give Me Some Money

Just saw "The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou", or, as I like to call it, "The Life Aquatic with Steve Zzzzzzzissou." Seriously, I went into this movie with very low expectations, and I was still disappointed. There's a part of me that admires Wes Anderson, but there's a bigger part of me that finds moderately quirky dialogue and an atmosphere of understated, half-melancholic whimsy tedious beyond redemption. And Bill Murray... Jesus, I think Bill Murray's the best, and he was fine as Steve Zissou, but "The Razor's Edge" was funnier than this... this... this excercise in kitschy set design. Anyone who tells you this movie is funny is both a liar and a moron, and also a jerk.

Speaking of things that aren't funny, Johnny Carson died. I suppose, in retrospect, I can understand his appeal, but I never found Johnny to be even slightly funny. I'm sorry, but Johnny Carson was so unfunny... How unfunny was he, you ask? Why, Johnny Carson was so unfunny, his jokes relied exclusively on lame, familiar set-ups that led to punchlines that were nothing but weak double entendres. Hi-yo!

Speaking of lame, familiar set-ups that lead to weak, tired jokes, here's a list of things that are funnier than Johnny Carson and "The Life Aquatic" combined:

• The Irish Potato Famine
• SIDS
• The Union Carbide Disaster
• Multiple Sclerosis
• Gerd
• Kettle corn
• Viral Encephalitis
• Cheech & Chong
• Krakatoa
• Frostbite
• Dick Cavett

Yes, I know--I'm in no position to throw stones. Yet, I just did. So in a way, we all win.
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This was pretty thin, so, as an exciting bonus, here's a funny joke I made up the other day:

Q: Why did the Taiwanese gentleman have high blood pressure?
A: He had a Taipei personality!