Well, Excuuuuuse Me for Not Pleasing All of the People All of the Time

There was a time, not so very long ago, when I used to put myself into stupid situations so that I'd have funny stories to tell my friends. It's the reason I lived in Port au Prince for seven years. It's the reason I owned a Pontiac Fiero. It's the reason I made a point of infuriating every gypsy who crossed my path. Unfortunately, I eventually realized that not every exploding automobile engine or Romany curse carries with it an amusing anecdote, and that there is simply nothing funny about Haiti (though, for the record, my Toussaint L'Ouverture impression is always good for a few laughs). So I stopped doing things that I knew were stupid, and instead only do stupid things by accident nowadays. Gosh, I'm awfully sorry if this does not meet the approval of a handful of anonymous internet assholes, but we each only get a single crack at this crazy thing we like to call human existence, and I'm one fella who'd rather spend his time coming up with silly lists than gumming up my life with unnecessary complications just so I can make a couple strangers happy by writing about it on my shockingly unpopular website.

I really don't mind the insults, though, in all candor, I don't enjoy them, especially when there's a layer of bitterness behind them, and most especially when they're the first thing I see when I check my email in the morning. I think I might even enjoy the insults if they were from people who'd just stumbled upon my site and thought I suck, but when they come from people who basically tell me that I'm not as funny as I used to be, it stings a little. Very little, really, since I think I've been coming up with some good stuff lately, but again, it's not the best thing with which to start one's day. What pisses me off most of all is that the people who leave insulting comments--which I've never once thought to delete--never, ever respond to my rebuttals, which is chickenshit behavior, like calling a DJ, telling him he sucks, then hanging up before he can say anything. I am not afraid of confrontation, but goddamn it, if you have a point to make, be civil about it, and be prepared to follow up. And, I know it's the way of the goddman internet and everything, but if you're gonna be a tough guy, quit hiding behind nicknames and fake email addresses and so forth. And if, for some horrible reason, you desperately need to act like a dickhead, go somewhere else, okay? The internet's chock full of places where you can go to pick lame, anonymous, verbal fights with people you'll never meet.

One more thing: the yule-tide complaints I received (really, there were only, like, two of them), were about how I should only write about one particular sort of thing. Well, if you ask me (and you should; I'm an especially valuable resource on these matters), what makes this site great(ish) is my ability to change shit up. There are a lot of funny people in the world, but I got range, dollface. I'm a versatile perfromer, an octuple threat, and you should get on your sorry knees every day and thank God for putting you on this earth around the same time He put me here. Some folks just don't appreciate how good they got it.