Happy Birthday, Presidents!
I was going to write something about how all my heroes seem to be dying, but then I realized that it would fail on two counts: 1) it would not be funny, and 2) it would not involve Presidents' Day, the day in which everyone gets together and celebrated the lives of their favorite presidents. (When I was a kid, I thought Presidents' Day honorees included corporate presidents, like my favorite corporate president, Arthur Treacher's honcho, Jeffrey Bernstein. You can imagine the embarrassment that caused!)
Anyway, knowing now what Presidents' Day is really all about, I present to you a brief biographical sketch of my favorite US president of all time, Franklin Pierce.
Franklin Pierce was born in a log in 1804. This was a pretty big deal when he was elected president in 18-something. Everybody would say, "Why, that Franklin Pierce! What humble roots! You know, he was born in a log." Sadly, people stopped talking about when Lincoln became president, because they knew that telling the truth about Franklin Pierce would diminish Abe Lincoln's appeal with the working masses. Lincoln, though, was a big jerk, and was only popular because he was so handsome (back then, giant facial moles and weird-shaped heads were considered the height of fashion).
Franklin Pierce broke into politics as a young man, by murdering a prominent member of his city's (I forget which one--person and city) political machine, which was a pretty impressive machine for its time, but would be laughably rudimentary to us in this, the atomic age. After that, he was well on his way to participating in various governmental processes, none of which I am equipped to talk about. Suffice it to say, he must have been pretty good at it, because he eventually became president
While he was president, such things happened as the Gadsden Purchase and Bleeding Kansas, both of which names I recognize from my 11th grade American History class. He also did a very good job at helping to further muddy the waters of the slavery debate with various actions that alternately appeased and offended just about everybody. Despite the chaotic state of the country during his term in office, Franklin Pierce was resoundingly replaced as president by James Buchanan, considered by all reputable historians to be not only our worst president of all time, but also our gayest and most Pennsylvanian. Not long after that, the Civil War broke out, and America lost her innocence forever (we almost got it back, but then Lynyrd Skynyrd died in that plane crash).
And that is why Franklin Pierce is my favorite US president (except for Jeffrey Bernstein) of all time.
Anyway, knowing now what Presidents' Day is really all about, I present to you a brief biographical sketch of my favorite US president of all time, Franklin Pierce.
Franklin Pierce was born in a log in 1804. This was a pretty big deal when he was elected president in 18-something. Everybody would say, "Why, that Franklin Pierce! What humble roots! You know, he was born in a log." Sadly, people stopped talking about when Lincoln became president, because they knew that telling the truth about Franklin Pierce would diminish Abe Lincoln's appeal with the working masses. Lincoln, though, was a big jerk, and was only popular because he was so handsome (back then, giant facial moles and weird-shaped heads were considered the height of fashion).
Franklin Pierce broke into politics as a young man, by murdering a prominent member of his city's (I forget which one--person and city) political machine, which was a pretty impressive machine for its time, but would be laughably rudimentary to us in this, the atomic age. After that, he was well on his way to participating in various governmental processes, none of which I am equipped to talk about. Suffice it to say, he must have been pretty good at it, because he eventually became president
While he was president, such things happened as the Gadsden Purchase and Bleeding Kansas, both of which names I recognize from my 11th grade American History class. He also did a very good job at helping to further muddy the waters of the slavery debate with various actions that alternately appeased and offended just about everybody. Despite the chaotic state of the country during his term in office, Franklin Pierce was resoundingly replaced as president by James Buchanan, considered by all reputable historians to be not only our worst president of all time, but also our gayest and most Pennsylvanian. Not long after that, the Civil War broke out, and America lost her innocence forever (we almost got it back, but then Lynyrd Skynyrd died in that plane crash).
And that is why Franklin Pierce is my favorite US president (except for Jeffrey Bernstein) of all time.
posted by Rob at
12:22 AM
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