I Miss Billy Crystal

Academy Awards? More like, Academy A-boreds! Am I right? Huh? What's that? Oh.

A few brief observations:

1. Drew Barrymore. More disturbing than how she looked is that she was introduced as, "the multitalented Drew Barrymore." I'm sure there are no hard and fast rules on this, but can someone really skip past "talented" and go straight to "multitalented"?

2. Sidney Lumet. Finally, some recognition for the man who brought us such classics as Fail-Safe, Bye Bye Braverman, The Deadly Affair, The Group, Last of the Mobile Hot Shots, The Anderson Tapes, Lovin' Molly, Equus, Just Tell me What You Want, Prince of the City, Daniel, Garbo Talks, Power, The Morning After, Q & A, A Stranger Among Us, Guilty as Sin, Night Falls On Manhattan, Gloria, The Beautiful Mrs. Seidenmann, and Critical Care.

3. Cate Blanchett. Look up the word "actor" in the dictionary, and you'll find a picture of Cate Blanchett. And I don't mean that in a good way.

4. Sean Penn. And the award for sour, humorless prick goes to...

5. Hillary Swank. Million Dollar Baby? More like, Million Dollar Boobies!

There you have it. Eat your heart out, Billy Bush. (Seriously, I'd like to watch you eat your own heart.)

And now, to pad this out a bit, here are some fake gay porn movie titles based on tonight's nominees:

• "The Gayviator"
• "Gay"
• "The Incrediballs"
• "The Sea Inside My Ass"
• "Felching Neverland"
• "Eternal Bunshine of the Spotless Behind"
• "A Very Long Engorgement"
• M. Night Shyamalan's "The West Village"
• "Hotel Rwanda (Men Only)"
• "Phantom of the Opera"

Thank you. Good night, Brooklyn!!!!