Wonk-a Wonk-a!

Some days, it is impossible not to be proud to be an American, ruled by the greatest government a country could hope to have. While other countries' politicians bitch and moan about greenhouse gasses and the overabundance of Pakistanis, our politicians deal with real issues, like the right to be forced to live in a vegetative state, and what we can do to make sure Barry Bonds stops hitting so many homeruns. It's quite uplifting, really. Better yet is a new bill being whispered about in the hallways of the Hart Senate Office Building, the one currently being drafted by a certain Utah legislator and his Kansan cohort. I speak, of course, of the Hatch-Brownback Bill which, among other things, would make it illegal for minors to defecate, and would allocate tens of millions of dollars (primarily in the form of tax incentives) toward promoting and encouraging defecation abstinence ('crapstinence', in Capital Hill parlance). Says an enthusiastic Senator Brownback (R-KS), "If it's something we're not comfortable talking about, is it really something we should be comfortable doing? That's the question you have to ask yourself." Too right, Senator!

While the proposed bill has garnered some early (and guarded) approprabation from even some of the staunchest Senate Democrats, expect a strong fight from such heavyweights as Ted Kennedy (D-MA) and Barbara Mikulski (D-MD), not to mention serious resistance from the powerful and deep-pocketed feces lobby.

So there you have it: the definitive answer as to why I seldom write about politics.