Stuff

Man, I got so much on my mind these days. Just back from a long day in the shit mines, and I simaltaneously want to curl up into a little ball AND run screaming through the streets, punching passersby in the mouth, just for getting near me. It is a horrible job I have, and the more I seem to work, the less I seem to make, which is extremely frustrating. Also, the later I work, the later I need to stay up to get all my unwinding in. And the later I stay up, the earlier I am exhausted. And when I'm tired, I drive slowly and mindlessly and tend to miss my exits and misremember loactions, which means I end up working even later. Just a perpetual bummer--and I don't use that word lightly.

That;'s funny, 'cause now I remember having used the phrase "perpetual bummer" in a "song" I wrote not long after I moved here*:

Perpetual motion
Perpetual fun
Perpetual summer
Perpetual sun
I gotta get in
I gotta get in
To the swing of things
Perpetual bummer
Professional scum
Assign me a number
And pay me my sum
I gotta get in
I gotta get in
To that scene

Which only hammers home the point of how badly I've failed in my quest to conquer Los Angeles. It's not my town. Mind you, I like the place a lot, it's just the people** kind of suck. One on one, they're okay, the same as everyone else everywhere else. But get 'em in a crowd, and two things start happening: 1) they break into their lingo (not matter what group you're in or what the people in it do for a living, there's tremendous amount of lingo involved, be it work-related or an attempt to fit in with their lingo-lovin' friends), and 2) ordinary people turn into characters, because everyone here wants to be larger than life. And I'm not like that, can't be like that, and would never want to be like that. More than that, it's impossible for me (or I think anyone) to truly relate to people like that, to make any sort of genuine, personal connection. In five years, I have only made acquaintances here. Frankly, no one here seems to like me all that much, which is insane, if you ask me. I mean, they like me, but not enough that they want to be my friend. I don't know. I think I'm just tuned to a much lower setting than the people I've met in LA. You always hear about how laid-back it is Out West, but I don't fucking buy it (though, to be fair, I HAVE found Southern Californians to be extremely laid-back when it comes to doing things for others).

None of this to say that these aren't good people; I'm ashamed to admit it, but on one level or another, I've liked the wide majority of folks I've come across in this crazy burg. It's just to suggest that people here (and I'd be a fool if I did not include myself) are so sucked-up inside their own heads, all you're really talking to is, as I said before, some sort of manic character that seemingly gets switched on whenever the insecurity level gets too high. Well, I exempt myself from the character part, but I'm defnitely guilty of being sucked-up inside my head. I just include that for the sake of honesty and accuracy.


* According the Word file for the "Perpetual Motion" lyrics, it was, in fact, written at 2:36 in the morning on Saturday, September 8th, 2001. Almost spooky.

** By "people," I refer to people I've encountered socially--the working stiffs in this town are beyond reproach, just like working stiffs the world over, and the older, executive types are the same corporate scum like you might find in Boston or Dallas or any other big city, only here they have year-'round tans and tend to wear more pastels.