Letting My Fans Down, Letting Myself Down: The Robert Diener Story

Gulp. I will now attempt to take notes on an entire episode of "The Tonight Show with Jay Leno." Never tell me I'm not brave.
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Bright, colorful lights. Jay shakes hands with stupid audience members.

Audience boos loudly when Jay sets up a joke by mentioning the news that a federal judge has agreed that it is unlawful to include the word "God" in the Pledge of Allegiance. (Just me wondering here, but do other countries even have pledges of allegiance? You know, besides Kyrgyzstan.)

Airplane jokes!

Why send in FEMA when we can send in the folks from Trading Spaces? I don't know, but the audience loves it.

"Is it me, or is Ted Kennedy's head getting bigger?" That was funny the first time I heard it, 10 years before I was fucking born.

Jay says it would be good news if Arnold runs for reelection (setting up a lame joke), a few audience members shriek their agreement.

The Chinese don't have a true democracy!

Colin Farrell is a disease-ridden manslut!

Donald Trump has funny hair!

8 minutes into the monologue, Adam Sandler walks in to "sign the bike." Must be a charity thing. A bidding war to make out with Sandler for charity ensues. He gets $250 and makes out with a middle-aged-ish woman. As we go to commercial, I have yet to crack a smile. I'm not sure I can go through with this.
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It's Thursday, and thus time to play "Dinner for Four," whatever the fuck that is. Hmm. It seems to involve professional whistlers. Ha ha ha! Jay's making them whistle after eating Saltines! Jesus fucking hell. I'm suddenly thrilled to have left LA, just knowing that I'm a continent away from these fuckwits in Jay's studio audience. Ugh, this fucking bit won't end. It's too lame to even describe. Californians are dumb. And fucking Trump is on after the break. You know what? I just can't do this. I'm sorry. I thought it was a good idea, but it's not. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak. It is only my fear of Hell that keeps me from killing myself this very instant.

I'm sorry. I really am. Let me think of something else to write about... Huh. I don't suppose you want to hear about my recent bowel troubles? No, I figured not. Fuck. Honestly, I have pretty much nothing to tell you. I've been in Maryland the last couple weeks, since I can't move into my apartment until October. I've been pretty productive, but not in a way that any of you will want to hear about, and nothing I'm ready to share with the world just yet. And nothing you'll likely care about once I am ready to share it with you. Fuck. I really wish I had something to tell you. Of course, I could make something up, but that would be wasting my precious creative resources on this ephemeral fucking BLOG. Yeah, that's right. I said it. I'm not stupid. Of course, it's only a blog because you horrible cunts treat it like one, but that particular die was cast long ago, I'm afraid. Nothing I can do about it now.

Bah, now I'm just babbling, hoping I accidentally say something entertaining. Doesn't seem likely to happen at this late hour, though. Oh well. Shit. See, I was going to do one of my beloved local news recap thingies, but I lost track of the time. I thought Leno might be a funny thing to take notes on, but I learned an important lesson, that bad earnestness is better to mock than bad comedy. I promise to do an hour long news soon, maybe even tonight. Or sometime. Maybe.