Press Release

"Funnsylvania.com", flagship property of the Abu Dhabi-based Funnsylvania Group, is proud to announce, through its partnership with the world's hottest young band, The Christs, Funnsylvania's new "Christs Song of the Week" promotion. The program, which is endorsed by both UNICEF and the American Pediatrics Society, is aimed primarily at at-risk children. "Children are our future. That nearly goes without saying," said affable Funnsylvania chairman and founder, Robert E. Lee Diener IV, in a press conference Monday at the Corpus Christi Marriot Marquis. "If we can help one child with this, we'll have more than done our job."

The promotion works as follows: approximately once a week, as mood dictates, the Christs will release a new song through megapopular webhub "funnsylvania.com". In exchange, the Funnsylvania Group will donate one carton of milk per download to the schoolchild of the band's choice. In addition to the obvious benefits to consumer and milk-thirsty tot alike, the "Christs Song of the Week" promotion frees the band from any previously stated commitment to have a completed album by the end of February. That was a ridiculously optimistic projection. Naive, really. Imbecilically so, perhaps.

To kick off the big event, here's another track off the forthcoming Christs LP, "Enchanted Tales From the Pan Flute Forest". It is called "Noble Rot (The Hungarian National Anthem)", and it is presumably about nothing in particular, or maybe a bunch of different things at once. Imre Nagy gets namechecked in it, so that should help move some units. It is probably not as fun a song as last week's, but not every band can be the Offspring, right? Right. 

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What else can I tell ya?  Life is grim.  The apocalypse may well be upon us, and with it--thank Him so--our Redeemer Himself, returned to grant us life anew in the eternity of Paradise.  And not just for them that accept the Lord as their Salvation; I know Paradise to be all-welcoming. Won't only be Jesus returning come Judgment Day--Moses'll come back, that fat Jesus them Chinees got, whatever sicks or whatever the Indians worship (hee-haw-hiya-waya Indians, not obsequious but you can tell they look down on you just the same Indians).

And here is where I come to show why P.J. O'Rourke is a success and I am not.  He'd have kept going and felt no shame over it.  I haven't read any of his books, but some of the stuff he wrote for National Lampoon is appallingly racist, and he's appalling dead-on in his observations.  It's a little scary, and it is not who I want to be, but I think I have a knack for it.  And let's face it: you can call it "ironic racism" all you want, it's still categorizing people by race and negative stereotypes to them.  Just because there's no hatred involved doesn't mean that what I'm saying doesn't come from some real feeling of racial superiority.  I honestly don't know, and neither do you, Sarah Silverman, if somehow you're reading this.  

I do find that stuff funny, of course.  It's taboo, and it usually ends up working really well or really poorly.  There's a thin line.  When the Imus thing went down, a lot of people said the only reason why he got in trouble and, say, Sarah Silverman doesn't, is that what she says is funny. I'd argue that a big part of the reason that she's funny and he isn't is because because he's clearly a racist and she's clearly not.  Unless she's racist in the way I suspect myself of being.  Not being a racist and not wanting to be a racist or two entirely separate things.  People who assume they're not racist because they don't set out to be racist are their own category.

All right.  This was a hoot for all of us, I'm sure.  Please listen to the songs.