An Idea That Will Probably Go a Long Way Toward Making Us All Equals

Quick pop quiz: Who is the current monarch of the United Kingdom?

Give up? The answer is Queen Elizabeth II. That's right, "the second". A little pretentious, right? I mean, the woman is a billionaire. "The second". Is that really necessary? Aren't you far enough above the rest of us already? Yeah, lady, that's right--I'm addressing you directly. Scared? Does it make you a little uneasy having a commoner all up in your shit like this? Well, too bad. This is not the world you think it is. You know you lost Hong Kong, right? Pretty much everything else, too. There's no more Rhodesia. I think you might be down to Bermuda, Cornwall, and Gibraltar at this point. The Falklands, too, I guess, but I just read that Argentina's new leader aims to take them back.

Look, hon, I'm not rooting against you. I will admit that old wounds have begun weeping pus lately thanks to HBO's wonderfully above-average "John Adams" miniseries, but I think I speak for all of America when I say that I am in your corner. You speak English, after all, and you're nothing if not white. And, yes, we may be well on our way to joining you in The Big Book of Once-Great Empires, but we've still got a firm grasp on the cliff edge, and China is not necessarily a lock to find a hammer and bang our fingers until we let go, if I may stretch the analogy until it snaps. Whatever the case, there is one thing we are surely still best at: cynical marketing strategies.

I won't draw this out any more. You're a smart lady, and I'm pretty sure you'll see the potential benefits in what I'm about to suggest. I know that you will buck against it, because you are old and a billionaire and it is your birthright to be one of the most out-of-touch people on earth, but it is too simple not to work. Just remember that the world beneath your gilt-embellished windows is moving ever forward toward an age of populism. I am not one who believes that we can ever effectively demolish class systems, but I am wholly certain that there will be less and less people like you. That doesn't mean you should give up; no, never give up, m'lady. Never! But, if you are as wise as your one assumes you must have been to acquire all that wealth and power, you will put aside some of that famous entitlement of yours and make some concessions.

Actually, I think a lot of ground could be gained by just making one concession. As I mentioned earlier, it's a simple one: as I mentioned earlier than that, barring the arrival of some latter-day, English Robespierre, your position above the rest of us has been well cemented, at least enough that you can forego some of the more ostentatious, self-inflating trappings of the throne. As with any rebranding, we must begin with the name. I, for one, cannot think of a more pompous-sounding name than Queen Elizabeth II. I'm not saying you need to start calling yourself Lizzie Schwartz (or whatever your real surname is--it's something more along the lines of Goethe-Himmler, from what I recall). I don't think things are that dire that you need to lower yourself that much. But how about something just a touch more common? What if--just hear me out here--you did one thing like everybody else in the world, drop that ridiculous "the Second", and start going by Queen Elizabeth, Jr.? It might take some getting used to, but I really believe it could make a difference, just like I believe that, had he heeded my similar advice to him, the previous Pope would not have been torn to pieces by a violent mob.

All right. Do what you want. Send my regards to your idiot children.

Your loyal servant,
X (unable to sign my name because I am a peasant)