Another Musical Treat

Following an impotant tradition I began last year with my haunting recording of "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen," here is another slickly produced Christmas favorite. I may or may not post occasionally during the next week. If not, too bad for you.

My Wyoming Reminiscences (part one: Cheyenne)

First of all, I just want to say that I haven't forgotten about the Philadelphia story or the series of stories about shitty jobs. However, I have had no interest in writing them lately because there honestly doesn't seem to be much point in writing things like that for this site, seeing as most of you are illiterate, or at least refuse to read anything that isn't in list form. Whatever. Fuck you all, really.

All that aside, I have a question: what is it about me that makes homeless people want to shake my hand? I sympathize with the homeless and I tend to give them more than I can afford to, but I would really prefer not to touch them. Today, some guy asked me for money, but all I had was a twenty. He was very understanding and nice and everything, but as I started to walk away, he introuced himself as Jojo and held out his hand, which I instinctively shook. And in the two hours between then and arriving at my apartment, I could think of little but how badly I wanted to scrub up.

Meanwhile, I would have gotten home sooner, but as I was walking from my car to my building, an old black man and an old white woman stopped me and asked me to help them move a refrigerator downstairs from the second floor. I'm still not sure what the appropriate response would have been, but I quickly agreed to help. It didn't take very long and it wasn't very difficult, and both of them (I think the man was the building super or something, and I guess the woman was moving out) were nice enough, but I couldn't help resenting them. I would never think to ask a stranger to help me move a giant refrigerator down a flight of stairs. Then again, I'd never think to move a refrigerator down a flight of stairs, so maybe I'm making assumptions that I can't possibly make with any real accuracy. Whatever the case, I'm sick of being nice to strangers.

Remembering Alf Landon

Hey--remember Pogs? Good for you. The following are 100% genuine search queries that led a handful of disturbing people briefly to this site:

• pat tillman, god loving faggot
• funny redneck christmas poem
• babies that like to fuck
• goldie hawn against bullying
• bernhard goetz submarines
• midget wearing bandana pictures
• hunky santa photo
• diener 2 pump chump
• micronesian cocksuckers
• JEFF GOLDBLUM commencement speech
• tony danza assault
• jack o lantern and antisemitism
• mark philippoussis nipple
• ventriloquist in pennsylvania
• i want to meet with charles oakley
• little boys wearing sweatpants
• well endowed professional rapist
• retarded man wins election

Please don't ask me to pick a favorite; they're all my babies*.

* Babies that like to fuck, that is!

And now, because I love each and every one of you, here, for the first time ever on this site, is a photograph of a man holding a velocipede:



p.s. Oh, to anyone I was supposed to (or wanted to) email the last couple days, please be advised that my fucking email thing isn't working right. So, you know, it's not personal or anything. I hope this message will go some length in stanching the flow of tears. Thank you.

p.p.s. I used the words 'stanch' and 'velocipede' in a single entry. Jealous?

p.p.p.s. Well, you should be.

Crazy Things I Saw and/or Read About

Oh, right... I have a website. Great. I guess I should write something.

Well, okay, so today was really beautiful. Mid-70s, sunny, with a pleasant breeze, and that rare kind of peaceful Sunday feeling, so unlike the typical, "Oh fuck, tomorrow's Monday" kind of Sunday feeling. It was so nice out, I wandered aimlessly around my neighborhood for a couple hours, only returning when I got thirsty. Along my travels, I saw very little, really. Until, that is, I decided to walk down Wilshire Boulevard a little. Coming up Western toward Wilshire, I saw the corner of the Wiltern Theater's marquee: "Presented by Corona Extra."

What, I wondered, was being presented by Corona Extra? A Jimmy Buffet concert? Sammy Haggar? Some sort of upscale Mexican act? Jimmy Buffet? But no, it was none of those things.

As I turned the corner, I looked up at the center of the marquee: "IN CONCERT - MARILYN MANSON." Sure enough, the sidewalk was lined with teenagers in black t-shirts and white pancake makeup, as youthful and non-threatening group as I've ever seen (and three friends and I spent one summer driving around the country, following an Up With People tour). I walked on down Wilshire and passed the youths who stood and sat on the sidewalk all the way down to the Denny's on the corner of Oxford, their perpetual teenage gloom standing no chance against the loveliness of this perfect weather. Many of them even smiled. It was all very confusing.

On the next block, I found a few equally young people skateboarding on a concrete embankment. "Hey, fellas," I said to them, "wanna help me beat up some goths?"

"No," answered the one I took to be their leader, "we're playing 'skateboarder'. Leave us alone or we'll cry." So I did.

As I walked on, my mind turned back to the fact that Corona fucking Extra was sponsoring a Marilyn Manson show. It just seemed wrong. Unless, I supposed, what made it 'Extra' was goat's blood or something. But I didn't think that likely. Not in this day and age. No, the FDA would have a field day with something like that. In a blind panic now, I ran home as fast as my fat little legs would carry me and 'went on the line', as those kids in their white makeup would have called it.

Sure enough, Marilyn Manson's not the only big-ticket act to be sponsored by a weirdly unrelated corporate entity. For instance:

• Placido Domingo's latest tour was sponsored by Kraft Singles.
• Mandy Moore's recent string of performances was billed as "Evinrude Outboard Motors Presents..."
• Puddle of Mudd's 2004 tour was underwritten by ConAgra.
• The Rolling Stone's hugely succesful "Licks" tour was sponsored by the My Little Pony Wishing Well Princess Playset.
• 50 Cent and G Unit's recent series of stadium dates was presented by the Cedrus Corporation's 'Lumina' fiber optic response pads (for use with magnetic resonance imaging devices).
• Hank Williams, Jr. is sponsored by Summer's Eve Feminine Cleansing Cloths.

Honestly, I found thousands of these crazy anomalous sponsorships, but I'll be damned if I'm gonna keep typing this shit.