To Be Continued...

Sorry about the lack of new material today, but I've been called to Washington to attend the Black Tie and Boots Ball. I'll try to fill you in on that later. For now, though, enjoy this picture of Anna Kournikova examining her genitalia:

A Fable

There is nothing more uplifting than having the flu, trying to find a job, and trying to quit smoking all at the same time. If there is a God and I knew where to find Him, I would punch Him in the face.

Still, I'd better try to come up with something funny, lest any of you complain about my complaining. Hmm... I haven't written a fable in a while. Let's see what I can come up with, shall we?
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A swallow, a pebble, and an insane Cornish barber who believed himself the reincarnation of Cincinnatus were out walking one day when the pebble challenged the barber to a footrace, to be held the following week. The barber, always game for any sort of challenge, eagerly accepted. The swallow, who was known far and wide for his impartiality, was asked to referee, and he happily agreed, under the lone condition that he be compensated in the manner of his choosing, as was yet to be determined. The pebble and the mad barber, knowing the swallow to be as fair and reasonable as he was impartial, gave the swallow's request their tacit approval, and went to their respective homes to train.

The pebble, who had been quite the notable athlete in the rosy-cheeked days of his youth, was alarmed to discover that the sedentary nature of his adult years had robbed him of his once lissome grace, but a week of steady, rigorous exercise did him much good, and his confidence was in full bloom in time for the race day. The Cornish barber, who'd spent a great deal of his time in recent years chasing energetically after things that didn't exist, was already in fine form, and the week of training left him in peak condition. The race was sure to be a good one!

At noon on the day of the race, the pebble, the insane barber, the swallow, and all the townspeople and townsthings gathered at the race track of the local junior college for the big event. However, seconds before the race was to commence, the barber jammed a pair of scissors into his right eye, then pounded it deep into his brain with the heel of his palm. It did not kill him, but it did render him a useless, drooling mess--a burden to the state and his family alike.

The following day, when most of the hubbub had died down, the pebble paid a visit to the swallow. "I know things didn't go as planned," said the pebble, "but you were promised compensation, and I'd feel I'd be doing the dishonorable thing by not making good."

"Oh, that's okay," said the swallow, grinning slyly. "I got exactly what I wanted."

MORAL: No good comes to those who bargain with swallows,

CNN: Obese dancers shatter stereotypes

They also shatter dancefloors, eating records, and their ankles.

Thank you.

My Lungs Are Filled With Goo...

... therefore, another blast from the past. This one takes us all the way back to 2003, when life was still simple. First, though, a funny picture:

July 1

My interest in moving seems to be flagging, but I think it would be smart to continue to give it some thought. Thanks to the internet, I’ve been able to do a little research. What I found just might surprise you…

Billings, Montana – Known to the locals as “The Frozen Wasteland of the Big Sky Country,” Billings is the number one producer of both shale and mica in the state of Montana, and it annually yields more than 40% of the nation’s so-called “waste grains”. Billings was founded in 1845 by an itinerant serial bigamist and his best friend, an escaped slave named Jojo Longfoot. Known historically as one of the two or three most booming port towns of the landlocked American north-middle-west, Billings today serves as a fine example of what could have been had westward expansion stopped at Montana. Famous Billingsites include Henry Lee Lucas, Lionel Richie, and oil magnate T.R. Wesson.

Syracuse, New York – Lovingly referred to in song and on stage as “America’s Wacky Neighbor”, Syracuse boasts the unique distinction of being the only U.S. city with neither a death rate nor a post office. It was founded on a dare in 1790, and has not been heard from since. Its chief exports are novelty umbrellas, a cut-rate denture adhesive called “Krazee Bond”, and adult illiteracy. Famous Syracusians include Chet Huntley and Pol Pot.

Murfreesboro, Tennessee – Known best for having absolutely no identity, Murfreesboro has been overlooked since the early 19^th century, when it was founded to appease a vengeful Amon Rah. Currently the nation’s number one supplier of kohlrabi, and number three on the per-capita premeditated rape index, Murfreesboro has come a long way since 1918, when it was accidentally knocked over during a spirited Armistice Day celebration. Famous Murfreesboroers include Albert Camus, Mark-Paul Gosselaar, and Dorothy “Star 80” Stratten.

Dover, Delaware – “The Little City that Would, If It Felt Like It,” Dover is hands-down the winningest city in America… winningest at Pictionary, that is! So winningest, in fact, that the mayor had signs placed at each entrance to the city informing visitors that “Dover is the City that Wins at Pictionary!” It has never been determined how the city earned this honor, but we’ll take them at their word, as they don’t have much else to brag about. Dover’s chief exports are fruit-flavored novelty toothpastes and ringworm. Famous Doverinos include one of the singers from the Starland Vocal Band, Conrad “Mr. Drummond” Baine, and Newton Huckaby, the man who inspired the “Wimpy” character in the Popeye cartoons.

Hays, Kansas – Contrary to popular belief, this “City That Has Trouble Sleeping” was not, in fact, named after popular U.S. President Rutherford B. Hayes. “In fact,” points out local historian Helen Strumwater, “Hayes was Governor of Ohio at the time Hays was founded, and was not at all well known to Mr. Charlie Hays, the man who founded the town as a tax dodge. Besides, Hayes isn’t spelled the same way as Hays. I don’t think we’ll ever know who or what the town was named for.” Thanks, Helen. When it’s not busy being the mid-west’s most profitable producer of poorly manufactured rubber overshoes, Hays occupies its time collecting bees. The Hays Bee Museum, in fact, is the biggest of its kind in all of Hays. Famous Haysenesians include Lyn Nofziger, Haile Sellassie, and breakfast cereal impresario Captain Orville Crunch.

So far, I’m leaning toward Hays, mainly for the historical intrigue, but I remain open to suggestions.

Hate Mailbag

This was just brought to my attention, and I could not be more excited.

While I'm at it, I may as well share an anonymous e-mail I recieved over the weekend (it refers, I think, to a passing comment I made probably two years ago):

stumbled upon your "diary"........
bianca jagger is from nicaragua, was active in student politics, and studied political science; SHE dumped mick. i don't claim any real urgency to this response other than the fact that i despise mis/uninformed rants......
i imagine others enjoy this site - after all, ignorance is bliss and funny is relative to THAT; if the blind would only look.......

Oh, and for the record, the anonymous e-mailer found my site by doing a Google search for "bianca jagger +poised."

Let's Just Hope There Are No Icebergs In The Sky

(Click picture for erotic story.)

We Hold These Japes To Be Self-Evident

If you have ever visited the MCI Center in Washington, D.C., you've surely noticed the adorable names they've given some of their concession stands. Prominent in my mind, for example, is a beer cart called, "The Thirst Amendment." Yes, I know--that's extremely funny. I can't possibly top that one, but I canat least try to contribute. Here, then, are some ideas I have for MCI Center concession stands:

• The Secretary of Steak
• President Pro Tempura
• Grits of Certiorari
• The Red Hots Decision
• The Bureau of Engravy
• Freedom of the Pretzels
• The Pursuit of Life, Liberty, and Ha-peanuts
• The Commander in Cheese
• The Secretary of Health and Hunan Services
• The Federal Preserves Board
• The House of Burgerses
• The Department of Sousing and Bourbon Development

All right, I realize they're not likely to set up booths in which to sell jellies, gravies, grits, and cheese, let alone ones that exclusively sell jellies, gravies, grits, or cheese, but, you know... ease up a bit, okay? No one ever claimed this was an exact science, for fuck's sake.

Charting A Course For Laughter!

What could be more fun than charts? Well, yes, the circus--fine. But apart from the circus, there's simply nothing on earth as fun as charts. That is, until NOW...

1. The British are pretty up in arms about the whole Harry-dressing-like-a-Nazi thing, which seems silly, but in all fairness, if I were British, I'd look for any excuse to be outraged by those aristocratic leeches, too. I mean, when was the last time a member of any royal family did something worthwhile? It's been generations--centuries, perhaps. Shouldn't they all have run out of money by now? Well, whatever the case, they still exist, and thus the story about Harry and his swastika armband also exists. Which, in turn, allows for the existence of the news item that relates Harry's punishment coming in the form of having to watch Schindler's List. I thought this was an interesting punishment, so I did some research, and found that the British Royals have for years been using movies to punish their brood. Por ejemplo:

CRIME	PUNISHMENT
Grave robbery	Night of the Living Dead
Burning Atlanta to the ground	Gone with the Wind
Beating up a transvestite	The Crying Game
Publicly questioning the utility of the elderly	Space Cowboys
Drowning babies	Look Who's Talking Too
Attending costume party dressed as Pol Pot	The Killing Fields
Causing house to land on witch	The Wizard of Oz
Becoming werewolf, leading varsity basketball team to state finals	Gandhi

2. Meanwhile, because it's still January, it's not too late for lists of what's in and what's out for 2005, and because it's Martin Luther King Day, it seems appropriate at this time to track the latest trends in racial sterotypes.

RACIAL/ETHNIC GROUP	"OUT" STEREOTYPE	"IN" STEREOTYPE
Italians	Mobsters	Stupid
Jews	Cheap	Annoying
Blacks	Lazy	Dangerous
Arabs	Terrorists	Backwards thugs
Greeks	Homosexuals	Perverts
French	Arrogant	Condescending
Russians	Drunkards	Bipolar
Germans	Efficient	Nazis
Americans	Bullies	Obese
Canadians	Dim-witted	Inferior
Southerners	Inbred	Victims of Incest
Orientals	Short	Inscrutable