Approximately 15,000 Words Worth of Pictures

Fun with Information!

Thanks to a brief mention on The Defamer, traffic increased, like, seven-fold today, with nothing to show for it except a couple mild comments and an email from some mystery Australian with the subject, "WARNING," the body of which was, "you are a bad writer," and, as an attachment, a virus-laden screensaver. I'm not sure what I did to incur the wrath of the native English speaking peoples of the Pacific Rim, but I would have it no other way. Besides, we can't all be as funny as Dame Edna or as talented as Silverchair. But, you know... just keep fucking fucking with me, Australia and New Zealand. We'll see who comes out on top.

What else can I tell you? The job search is progressing in dribs and drabs, which I'm only telling you because I learned today that it's "dribs and drabs" and not, "drips and drabs." What an exciting world we live in, with so many things to learn! Why, today alone I learned the following:

• Eskimos (or, as I like to call them, Esquimaux) have no word for 'phlegm.'
• King Hans of Denmark, Norway, and Sweden (1455-1513) was actually an enormous mosquito.
• The stethoscope was invented in 1985 by popular musician, Ray Parker, Jr.
• The hermit crab is so called because a) it is a type of crab, and b) it belongs to an ancient order of Benedictine monks who believe that isolation from man's society is necessary to true spiritual fulfillment.
• Most white wines produced in the state of California are composed of equal parts sugar and urine.
• Pygmies are the only marsupials indigenous to Africa.
• Waffles contain more vitamin C than a pound of lemons, more vitamin A than 60 gallons of milk, and more aluminum than a softball bat.
• The fastest aquatic creature, the moray eel, can travel at speeds of up to 7000 MPH.
• In Sicily, it is considered extremely rude to whistle during a public hanging.
• Jethro Tull's 1972 smash, "Thick as a Brick," is the unofficial national anthem of both Botswana and Peru.
• In a final act of hubris, the Emperor Tiberius attempted to have a palace built on the Island of Langerhans, irreparably damaging his pancreas.
• The US Food and Drug Administration's official list of major food groups originally included the category, "Whistles and Magnets."
• Contrary to popular belief, birds cannot actually fly; they can, however, jump really high.
• Pound for pound, babies have greater tensile strength than woven steel.
• MIT recognizes the five states of matter as being: solid, liquid, gas, plasma, and farts that turn out to be more than just farts.
• The only effective way of ending something like this is to stop writing it.
  

Fnu Whit Angarasm

Here are some nifty anagrams of "Robert Paul Diener":

• "Bat urine deplorer."
• "Plebian or true Red."
• "Prurient, able doer."
• "Nobler rude pirate."
• "Puerile, drab tenor."
• "Brutal Red pioneer."
• "Portable red urine."
• "Puritan or bleeder."
• "Ape blunderer trio."
• "Rude, inept laborer."
• "Purebred relation."
• "A burlier poet nerd."
• "Round terrible ape."
• "Nobler, irate prude."
• "Adore terrible pun."
• "Undo terrible rape."
• "Purer, irate blonde."
• "Rip adulterer bone."
• "Blurt, dear pioneer."
• "Proud, barren, elite."
• "Debonair pet ruler."
• "Turnip or a bleeder."
• "Brain leper, routed."
• "Purebred oriental."
• "Rare bound reptile."
• "Deplore brat urine."
• "Puerile brat drone."
• "Proud beer latrine."

There. That wasn't a waste of time.

A Visit from the Tinseltown Tattle-Tale

Rob is lying unconscious in a field while crows pick at his face. Filling in for him tonight is everyone's favorite gossip columnist, the Tinseltown Tattle-Tale...

Ding dong, kiddies! Sit back, limber up those jaws for some class-A dropping, and prepare to have yout tits blown off. We'v got some real doozies in the kitty for this installment.

Overheard: "Lost" lovely, Evangeline Lilly, prattling on to Jerry Bruckheimer about some sort of mystical Eastern spiritual something-or-other she clearly knew very little about.

Was that "Benson" bad boy Rene Auberjonois* our spy saw peddling blowjobs at the Arco station on Franklin Ave. the other day? Our spy says that there's a chance it might have been.

Spotted: steel-belted hunk Elijah Wood sharing a plate of duck confit at Ago with none other than humor hotty Richard Jeni. Do I smell wedding bells?

The hot rumor on the street these days is that Sally Field, Norma Rae herself, is slowly dying of ovarian cancer. Spread the word, but don't let on that you heard it here.

Blind Item: Which Jaws director once forcibly sodomized frog-like teen dream Corey Feldman after beating him unconscious with a bowling pin? Could it be Steven Spielberg? If we told you, it wouldn't be a blind item.

Discovered: the secret behind notoriously dim-witted sexpot Heather Graham's moderate success as a film actress? Her stunning good looks.

Witnessed: some twenty-something douchebag actor in a knit ski cap acting like a big shot at hip sushi spot, Matsuhisa, in an attempt to impress saucer-eyed strumpet Christina Ricci, who, our sources tell us, later jerked him off in the back seat of his Hummer, then went home by herself and watched reruns of "Mama's Family."


* Auberjonois is French for, "eggplant-like"

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Hi. Rob here, back from the thing with the crows. Just wanted to quickly mention that the taking requests thing was a modest failure, and I also wanted to publicly thank TV legend Jason Woliner for his unprecedented largess, not so much to thank him as to point out to the rest of you how easy it is to give me money. And to those of you who have already given me money, well, now you've got some serious catching up to do. It would be crass to throw around numbers, but let's just say that thanks to Mr. Woliner's generosity, I can now afford that high denomination bank note I've had my eye on. Just something for you to think about, you miserly fucks.

Prelude to My Tearful Farewell

Once again, I've been shut out of the Bloggies*. I'm not capable of putting the sadness (and, quite frankly, the humiliation) I feel at this moment into words. I can only say that I hope none of you ever have to suffer this sort of indignity. That said, I am now going to make what may the biggest mistake of my long and illustious blogging career; I am going to ask for suggestions.

Here it is: I would like every person who reads this entry to tell me the sort of thing you'd like to see more of on this site. You can be specific, you can be vague, you can be hurtful, and you can be anonymous if you so wish. If there is one particular piece you've enjoyed and you'd like to see a new take on it, let me know. If you crave a certain type of subject matter, do not be afraid to make your voice heard. If there is a topic you'd care to see me approach, I would be eager to know about it. If there is something I've never tried but you feel would be perfect for my unique, ham-fisted approach, tell the world. If you think the time has come for me to hang up my typing fingers and shamble sadly into the sunset, shout it from the moutaintop that is the comments thingy.

I realize I'm setting myself up for disaster here, and that I will wake up tomorrow to find that either a) everyone hates me or b) no one gives a fuck, but the fact of the matter is that I am (or, at least, should be) extremely busy these days, and I can't really afford to sit and stare dumbly at my computer for hours on end, waiting for inspiration to strike. So please, each and every one of you, leave a pertinent comment. If there are not at least 2000 comments for this entry by 12 AM Tuesday, I am going to go on a murderous rampage. And, depending on where you live, there's an off chance that you or someone you love may get caught in my wake.


* Please vote for The Defamer in the categories in which he's been nominated. He bought me a cheesburger once. How many of you can say the same thing? (About buying me a cheesburger, not about him having bought you a cheesburger. Though I guess I'd be interested to know about that, too.)