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Wednesday, September 21, 2005

Oh Shit, I Forgot to Write Something

For some reason, this didn't "publish" last night, so here goes:

Um, if you care, I got some precription sunglasses today, then ate a patty melt. Oh, I also went to the dermatologist to get the excema on my elbows checked out, as well as what I consider a fairly distinguishing mole on my cheek. He also froze a wart I've had on the side of my right index finger for over two years, and gave me a thorough body for anything that might potentially be life-threatening. Oh, and all this went on while a rather attractive young woman was in the room, apparently brought in solely to make me self-conscious about my gut and my back hair. This was the same dermatologist who, two years ago, asked if it was okay if he brought a female med student in to watch the exam, and then proceeded to make him show him my anus, which was itchy at the time.

The end.

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

Hmm...

Addressing the comments from my little boook review thingy:

------Waugh would be one of my favorite writers if he had only learned how to spell "honor." (Also "color," "favorite," and ------"program.")
------Ian | Email | Homepage | 09.20.05 - 12:21 pm | #

Ian: Racist.

------Ethiopia was never colonized until 1935.
------Love,
------Flash
------Flash | Email | Homepage | 09.20.05 - 12:43 pm | #

Flash: Super racist.

------interesting!
------kcbhatt | Email | Homepage | 09.20.05 - 8:00 pm | #


KC: Just went to your site and checked the comments for your most recent post. Everyone who commented mentioned that they visited your site after your eaving a comment on theirs, and most of them mentioned that your comments on their sites were limited to the same "interesting" you left here. So my question is: what the fuck are you up to? Why would I care what you have to say about your thoughts if all you have to say about mine is the same, meaningless, one word response you give to everyone else? I thought you Nepalis were supposed to be all enlightened and shit.

Don't Buy Any Green Bananas

A few thoughts on "The Constant Gardner":

1. Rachel Weisz (sp?) is a poor man's Kate Winslow, who, in turn, is a poor man's relatively feasible sexual fantasy. Take that how you will, but my ass is better than Rachel Weisz's.

2. The film's director (the Brazilian guy who directed the good but rather overrated "City of God" and whose name I haven't bothered to remember because he's not only foreign, but third-world foreign) needs to put more effort into pacing and less into photojournalist type shots of random human scenery.

3. Still, kudos to him for making a 2:15 movie seem like a seven hour one. Must be some of that Brazilian mysticism that I would imagine exists, because shit like that always exists in poor, primitive countries.

4. All that said, this may be the first movie I've seen where, about halfway through, I was bored and getting pissed off at sexy Roger Ebert for recommending, then ultimately thinking it was really good, albeit kind of forgettable.

5. I don't remember which one was Pete Postlethwaite, but I really like the name Pete Postlethwaite.

6. I came to one big conclusion from this movie: all the bags of grain we send to starving Africans, all the noble doctors and idealistic do-gooder types that spend huge chunks of their lives pretending they're Jesus and walking among the poor, it's all a huge fucking waste of time and money. If we really care about Africa, we'd suck it up, grit our teeth, and watch the current generation die the miserable deaths that await them, and instead focus on the long term, building infrastructure, teaching them how to build their own infrastructure, rather than make our half-hearted attempts to look like good guys by what ultimately amounts to bailing water out of an enormous and irreparably rusted old tanker with a Dixie cup (which, in turn, has a small tear on the bottom).

7. While I'm being dour, has anyone else noticed that these are really horrible times we live in? Seriously, what the fuck is going on? And when did George (Herbert Walker) Bush become one of the good guys? Also, I can forgive you for not giving me any going-away presents, but I will expect house-warming presents come early October, when I move into my new place. Give what you like, and give what you can, but remember that you can never go wrong with cash, drugs, or sex. Actually, you know what? I'm kind of certain I wouldn't accept sex from a single one of you, which says a hell of a lot more about you than it does me.

Monday, September 19, 2005

Comedy, Thy Name is Book Recommendations

A lot of people make it a point not to ask me a goddamn thing, let alone my taste in books. Nonetheless, here are a few somewhat ignored titles I think all of you should read and reread until the pages become as thin as tissue paper, your vision deteriorates, and the skin wears off of your fingertips:

Evelyn Waugh, Black Mischief
Not widely regarded by list-makers as one of his best, I think this may be Waugh's funniest, and perhaps even his most evil, book. Not reprinted in this country until recently under the pretext that it is racist (exclusively because some of the book's many fools are black), it is the story of a recurring Waugh character (whose name I can't presently recall--Basil something-or-other) who goes to colonial Africa (I believe the fictional country is supposed to be Abyssinia--now Ethiopia) to seek fortune and romance in the service of a ridiculous, Oxford-educated, African king. I'll spare you the plot summary, but let it suffice to say that if I'm ever given the opportunity to direct a big budget movie of epic scope and non-existent commercial appeal, that movie would unquestionably be an adaptation of Black Mischief. (I also highly recommend another widely ignored Waugh masterpiece, in this case a trilogy, The Sword of Honour Trilogy, a semi-autobiographical retelling of Waugh's experiences in World War II, in which he served despite being in, I believe, his 40s.)

Jim Thompson, Heed the Thunder
This book, as recommended in an interview with Neal Pollack I once read back when I still read interviews with Neal Pollack, started my appreciation of this noir master's work (he's most famous for books like The Grifters, The Getaway, and The Killer Inside Me). Heed the Thunder, however, is as different from his better-known works as chocolate is to multiple sclerosis. Semi- (or perhaps largely) autobiographical, it is a weird, brutal, and surprisingly touching tale of a young boy, practically deserted by his father and left to grow up among his mother and his very strange relatives in (as I recall it), a variety of strange places in turn-of-the-century Oklahoma (and Nebraska, too, I think. I should probably reread this one). This one would also make a great movie, but it would be a very difficult one to make (if memory serves). Also, there's a really good, really depressing biography of this fascinating writer and all-around drunken wreck of a human being, written, I believe, by a guy named Robert Polito, I think.

James M. Cain, Mildred Pierce
I'm currently rereading this outstanding fucking gem of a novel, written by the man who wrote The Postman Always Rings Twice and Double Indemnity. Like those two, it's taut and psychological; unlike those two, it's not a thriller. Rather, it is simply the best book with a female protagonist, as written by a male author (or, for that matter, a female author, seeing as dames tend to write soppy garbage, except for Flannery O'Connor*, who was so crazy that she used to make little outfits for her chickens), that I have ever read or likely ever will read. Again, I will not spoil your appetite by summarizing the plot or explaining why I like it, but it is easily the best book about fried chicken that you, or anyone like you, will ever read.

* I don't really mean that. At least, not 100%.

William Faulkner, The Unvanquished
I don't really remember this one all that well, but I do remember liking it a lot and finding it significantly easier to read than his other stuff. I really only included it because I can't think of anything else and I wanted to come off all smart and stuff. Oh wait, I thought of a good one...

Dashiell Hammett, Red Harvest
The Maltese Falcon and The Thin Man are great and all, but this, Hammett's first novel, is a masterpiece of violence and brutality. It also is less reliant on mystery-solving than his better-known books, which is something of a plus, seeing as few detective novels, no matter how great, resolve themselves in a truly satisfying way. Though, actually...

Ross MacDonald, The Galton Case
is probably the best of this undeservedly obscure author's many outstanding Lew Archer mysteries. I can't remember any of the specifics because I've read each of the many Ross MacDonald books still in print and they tend to blend together, but I remember this one being the most satisfying from start to finish. Really, all of them are pretty fucking great--MacDonald took the form that Hammett invented and Chandler successfully imitated, and really turned it into reasonable literature by writing with a poetic sensitivity his literary forbears lacked. Somehow, the Lew Archer books are hard-boiled, even though their hero is smart enough to make a point of avoiding getting his ass kicked (not that it doesn't happen), and especially despite the fact that the stories generally take place in and around a fictionalized version of what is perhaps the world's least hard-boiled town, Santa Barbara.

So there you go. You've got some books to buy. In fact, why not steal 'em? After all, all these authors are long-dead, and I, for one, don't feel any great compulsion to see their (presumably) no-account grandchildren get rich off of work they had nothing to do with. You know what? If any of you out there have the drive, why not find a way to extort these author's grandchildren, or burglarize their homes or something? I think you'd be making some very talented ghosts very happy if you did.

My Contribution to Humanity, in a Nutshell

Hey, suckers! Those groovy cats at Ben and Jerry's have come up with five new far-out flavors! Dig:

Back to School Sundae: vanilla ice cream with cinnamon apple swirls, pencil shavings, and pcp/marijuana crumbles

Marsha-mallow Warfield: chocolate ice cream loaded with marshmallows and blood-soaked cotton surgical wadding

Halloween Pumpkin Parfait: pumpkin-nutmeg ice cream with candle chunks and, in one out of every twelve pints, a swirl of Liquid-Plumr® Foaming Pipe Snake® clog remover

Grace Slickberry: black raspberry ice cream generously sprinkled with clumps of sweaty pubic hair

Colonel Bruce Hampton and the Aquarian Rescue Sherbet: lime sherbet