page 4
Fnu Whit Angarasm
Here are some nifty anagrams of "Robert Paul Diener," which is my name.
There. That wasn't a waste of time.
>>>>>>>
An alarming number of people have been writing in, asking, "Rob, what does the 'PT' stand for in PT Cruiser?" That one's simple, folks: it stands for Provincetown. Provincetown Cruiser. Makes perfect sense. And it's a very funny joke. Thank you.
333333333333333333333333333
Let me tell you about myself:
I am fulsome and winsome and generally wistful, I will punch you in the face if you stand in my way. My regal bearing and schoolgirl swagger have me the talk of the Continent, but I could not care less. Non. Votre renommée bête et mensonges incongrus ne signifient rien me. Ah, for my idyllic boyhood in the Provençal countryside! All I have are memories now. There is such joy there, such unfettered glee! Ah, but there is sorrow. So, so much sorrow! A thick, charcoal gray miasma, rank with misery and fear, odium, degradation and scandal. But I will stand before you now, and say with 100% sincerity, that no matter what they say about me now, there has never been a finer District Attorney in the state of Mississippi than ol' Robert Diener, and the people, you see, will remember that. Because this isn't about me and you; it's about me and them! They're the ones who vote. Remember that, because I will be back. You might think you've gotten rid of me, but, uh-uh. You see, now I've got nothing better to do with my time than to make sure you folks learn to see the error of your ways. Also, is it just me, or has this whole reality TV thing gotten out of hand? I mean, "Big Brother"? Come on! What's next? A reality show about barnyard animals?! I mean, I wonder what that would be like, you know? Like, "Uh oh, what's that sheep doing?" I mean, am I right? You know what I'd like to see—a reality show about those Mentos commercials. Right, Mentos? Yeah, all right! It's like, "Uh oh, I'm in this crazy situation. What'll I do? Oh yeah, good thing I've got my Mentos!" You know what else I like? Minivans! What's up with those? Am I right? Beyond that, I can only really add that I'm anti-child, pro-slavery, and an all-around wiz around the kitchen. If you'd be interested in getting together, please mail three (3) different, non-misleading, 8x10 color glossies, a résumé, and a full financial statement to:
Sleep with Rob Contest
Box 418
Dodge City, Kansas 67801
USA
Thank you, and God bless.
333333333333333333333333
So, I’ve been pretty down lately. I don’t enjoy being down, so to help pick myself up, I think now might be a good time to use poetry as a form of expression. It seems to help teenagers.
What is sadness?
Sadness is a starving old woman fighting with a dog
over a half-eaten box of McDonaldland cookies
It is the mirthless smile of the ruthless landlord as he twirls his moustache
and waits patiently (too patiently)
for your excuse for why you can’t pay this month’s rent
It is the plaintive wailing of the evening whistle
of a medical equipment fulfillment center
It is the smell of hot eggs on the breath of your case officer
It is the distant, midnight rumble of a gas main explosion
a mile or two to the east
It is Sunday afternoon in Newton, Massachusetts
It is Hulk Hogan’s acting career
There, I feel a lot better.
33333333333333333333333333
Shit. Shit shit shit. I'm all out of ideas. Why don't I make up a bunch of names for gay porn films? Could be fun, maybe.
Cock and a Half
3 Men and Another Man
Cockodile Dundee
Anal Hall
Rimbo: Fist Butt
A Passage to In the Butt
In the Butt [really, this one (In the Cut) has better potential for the straight market]
An Officer and a Gentleman and a Tube of Lubricant
Das Butt
Howard's End
Fort Apache the Butt
Assablanca
Guess Who's Coming for Dinner?
Bend Over Like Beckham
The Man Who Fucked Liberty Valence
A Cockwork Orange
Full Metal Jackoff
Ass Wide Shut
There's Something About Larry
Lord of the Cock Rings
A Buggerer's Life
The Falcon and the Blowjob
Spies Lick Us
MAN-equin
The Merchant of Penis
Bob and Carl and Ted and Alex
One Blew Over the Cockoo's Nuts
Acockalips Now
Some Like It in the Butt
Mr. Smith Goes to Provincetown
The Great Dick Taster
Ed's Wood
The Touchables
Spiderman-on-Man
Rear Window
The African Queen
Okay, so it turned out not to be much fun. Too bad.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
333333333333333333333333333
[Note: items in bold print are genuine search queries the led people to my website. I have changed them only for purposes of capitalization.]
Somewhere, not far from here, Will Smith kisses an Albanian girl. She likes it. "Show me the world, Will," she tells him, "show me old people with shitty underpants. I want to see Cindy Williams urinating. I want to see a short woman standing beside Shaq O'Neal."
"I sure love titties!" responds the famous actor, grabbing one. "Especially ones like these Kansas tits you've got. Why, I do believe you have the world’s longest tits."
"You can teach me so much, Fresh Prince," continues the Albanian girl. "For instance, I would like you to prove Nevada is not a wasteland historically. And then, you can tell me stories of boys wearing sweatpants or ones about straight werewolves fucking each other."
Will Smith chuckles. "Yeah, baby, I can do all that. Hey, you know this building we're sitting in front of?"
"Yes..."
"Zsa Zsa Gabor had an abortion right in that office, up there on the second floor."
"You always love to talk about Zsa Zsa Gabor unwanted pregnancies. Why is that?"
"You could just as easily ask, what ways does the woodlouse have to protect itself? The world is full of questions."
"Yes, it is full of questions, as well as testicle bashing videos and stories about pineapples."
"Jesus Christ, baby, did you just take the longest shit in the world inside your pants or something, because all of a sudden it smells like a Juarez massage parlor up in here."
"Maybe what you smell is the Pope."
"Hey! There is nothing funny about the Pope dying! I think I've had just enough of this. I'm going home to write some tetherball poetry and maybe go through my collection of funny Jimmy Buffet t-shirts."
"Fine. I have a date with Utah's sexiest man, anyway--and I just happen to be wearing my Greg Ostertag panties."
"Smell my black pussy, bitch!"
"I hate you, Will Smith. Fuck you, and fuck Ronnie Milsap!"
The end.
>>>>>>>>>>>
Things I’ve Never Fucked
I’ve never fucked a henhouse
I’ve never fucked a bat
I’ve never fucked a cruller
Or a homemade paper hat
I’ve never fucked a mitten
A kitten or a shoe
Though I once became quite smitten
With a vegetable ragout
I’ve never fucked a treehouse
Or leprechaun or fish
I’ve never fucked a field mouse
Or an antique chafing dish
I’ve never fucked Miles Davis
I’ve never fucked Thoreau
I’ve never fucked Moms Mabley
Or really anyone you’d know
I’ve never fucked a teapot,
A goose or Larry Fine
A jar of paste, a salad plate
Or can of turpentine
I’ve never fucked a reindeer
I’ve never fucked a gong
But I did once fuck an oyster
And last night I fucked your mom
>>>>>>>>>>>>
I am so drunk, I have gone blind in my right eye and deaf in my left ear, which almost balances out, but doesn’t. I am drunk because I’ve been drinking. Specifically, I have been drinking liquor. More specifically, I have been drinking a mixed drink, one I invented. It is called The Retired Hungarian Boxing Official, and it’s guaranteed to throw you for a loop, and quite possibly through a storm window. Here is the recipe:
Ingredients
1 large papaya (husked)
1 qt. premium silver polish
1 hogshead ball bearings (nickel)
1 lb. homemade maple-walnut fudge
1 tbsp. wax
64 square yards Parquet flooring
64 oz. Parkay margarine
1 large cat (Persian, declawed)
the fertilized eggs of 1000 queen bees
12 gallons of gin (the cheaper, the better)
twist of lime (optional)
Directions
Mix all ingredients carelessly in a huge iron bowl. Set contents ablaze and stand back. Leave overnight. In the morning, mix as well as possible, then start shoveling it with your hands into your stupid, gaping mouth. You should start to feel the effects with an hour.
2222222222222222222222222222
I’m thinking about moving, and thanks to the internet, I’ve been able to do a little research. What I found just might surprise you…
Billings, Montana – Known to the locals as “The Frozen Wasteland of the Big Sky Country,” Billings is the number one producer of both shale and mica in the state of Montana, and it annually yields more than 40% of the nation’s so-called “waste grains”. Billings was founded in 1845 by an itinerant serial bigamist and his best friend, an escaped slave named Jojo Longfoot. Known historically as one of the two or three most booming port towns of the landlocked American north-middle-west, Billings today serves as fine example of what could have been had westward expansion stopped at Montana. Famous Billingsites include Henry Lee Lucas, Lionel Richie, and oil magnate T.R. Wesson.
Syracuse, New York – Lovingly referred to in song and on stage as “America’s Wacky Neighbor”, Syracuse boasts the unique distinction of being the only U.S. city with neither a death rate nor a post office. It was founded on a dare in 1790, and has not been heard from since. Its chief exports are novelty umbrellas, a cut-rate denture adhesive called “Krazee Bond”, and adult illiteracy. Famous Syracusians include Chet Huntley and Pol Pot.
Murfreesboro, Tennessee – Known best for having absolutely no identity, Murfreesboro has been overlooked since the early 19th century, when it was founded to appease a vengeful Amon Rah. Currently the nation’s number one supplier of kohlrabi, and number three on the per-capita premeditated rape index, Murfreesboro has come a long way since 1918, when it was accidentally knocked over during a spirited Armistice Day celebration. Famous Murfreesboroers include Albert Camus, Mark-Paul Gosselaar, and Dorothy “Star 80” Stratten.
Dover, Delaware – “The Little City That Would, If It Felt Like It,” Dover is hands-down the winningest city in America… winningest at Pictionary, that is! So winningest, in fact, that the mayor had signs placed at each entrance to the city informing visitors that “Dover is the City that Wins at Pictionary!” It has never been determined how the city earned this honor, but we’ll take them at their word, as they don’t have much else to brag about. Dover’s chief exports are fruit-flavored novelty toothpastes and ringworm. Famous Doverinos include one of the singers from the Starland Vocal Band, Conrad “Mr. Drummond” Baine, and Newton Huckaby, the man who inspired the “Wimpy” character in the Popeye cartoons.
Hays, Kansas – Contrary to popular belief, this “City That Has Trouble Sleeping” was not, in fact, named after popular U.S. President Rutherford B. Hayes. “In fact,” points out local historian Helen Strumwater, “Hayes was Governor of Ohio at the time Hays was founded, and was not at all well known to Mr. Charlie Hays, the man who founded the town as a tax dodge. Besides, Hayes isn’t spelled the same way as Hays. I don’t think we’ll ever know who or what the town was named for.” Thanks, Helen. When it’s not busy being the Midwest’s most profitable producer of poorly manufactured rubber overshoes, Hays occupies its time collecting bees. The Hays Bee Museum, in fact, is the biggest of its kind in all of Hays. Famous Haysenesians include Lyn Nofziger, Haile Sellassie, and breakfast cereal impresario Captain Orville Crunch.
So far, I’m leaning toward Hays, mainly for the historical intrigue, but I remain open to suggestions.