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In the wake of Heinz pulling their unsuccessful “Funky Fries” product line off the market after they realized that no one was interested in eating blue French fries, I present to you a list of my other favorite failed food products, in no particular order.

Mrs. Paul’s Fishsticks (with Bleach Alternative)
Kraft Macaroni and Glue
Crystal Lite Cranberry Iced Tea with Microscopic Slivers of Glass in It
Ben and Jerry’s Mad About Mutton
Kellogg’s Pre-Moistened Rice Krispies
Quaker Instant Oatmeal with Soap 'n' Onions
Uncle Ben’s Cajun Style Gravel ‘n’ Rice
Vlassic Dill Chicken
Pepsi Viscous
Turkey M&Ms
Swanson Hungry-Man Poisonous Salisbury Steak Dinner

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I hope that, despite Matt Drudge’s insistence on making them look ridiculous, hats return to the standard male dress code, as I am going bald and I don’t want to be the only guy standing there wearing a hat.

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"Punchlines to Racist Jokes."

Because he was too lazy to wait in the welfare line
Because they’re genetically inferior.
One to screw in the light bulb and one to call the ADL.
One to screw in the light bulb and two to barbecue the spare ribs.
Because the chicken ate his food stamps.

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There are two new shirts for sale in the gift shop:

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People—people like YOU—write in every day asking questions.  “How’d you get to be so funny?” is a very popular one.  Another favorite is, “What wine goes best with Pop Tarts?” (Pink Zinfandel).  The most asked question of all, though, is this one, submitted most recently by one Millicent van der Hoevel:
“What is the largest thing you’ve ever eaten?  My friend says it’s a small truck, but I say it’s a large sandwich.  Which of us is right?  Or are we both wrong?”
No, Millicent—in fact, you’re both right.  I had a Chevy S-10 sandwich in Columbus, Ohio a couple years back, and it was easily the largest thing I’ve ever eaten.  Thanks to all of you for your thoughtful comments and questions.  I’m going to bed.

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Ladies and Gentlemen, Mr, Larry King…

If the question is, "What band was Eric Burdon in after the Animals?" then War really is the answer.  I don't know what those bumper sticker people are talking about… Tom Clancy's new novel, "Submarine something or other," is the best book about submarines and military men I've read in a long, long time… Is Ali McGraw still alive?  If so, I'd be curious to know how she spends her time… Does anyone eat custard anymore?  I love the stuff, but I bet I haven't eaten custard in, God, close to twenty years… If I'm building a house, the first thing I'm gonna do is lay a foundation.  It's called craftsmanship, folks.  Look it up in the book… A quick fact: Panda bears are neither bears nor pandas.  Absolutely true…

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I went to the club today and played the best 18 holes of my life.  I started out slow on the on the first few, but I warmed up, then heated up, birdying 6 and 7, then an EAGLE(!) on 8, then birdies on the rest of them except for a bogey on 11 (and I blame that one on the caddy), and another goddamn eagle on 17—a par 4, mind you!  Yep, not a bad day of golf at all.
At work I had to file a one-eleven J-J again after my supervisor, Mr. Heeny, found out I fucked up the Velvelson account.  What’s more, Louise’s goddamn mother is coming to stay with us until her ankle gets better.  It was bad enough trying to get this fucking G-21 written up with the goddamn kids screaming around my feet all night and day, but now, with that old battleaxe around...  Sheesh, it gives me the shivers just thinking about it.
In other news, the extra-marital affair is going swimmingly.  Louise doesn’t suspect a thing, though we had a close call the other day when I came home with a pair of Shirley’s panties stuck in my beard.  Shirley and I are going at it like teenage rabbits lately, and as long as she stays barren, I don’t see us slowing down.  Though I gotta admit, it did kind of cause me to take another look at things when she asked me to help bump off her old man, but I gotta say that when I said no she took it as no, and apart from a bunch of times over the next couple of weeks and once or twice since, she never asked about it again.  And, in her defense, she’s quit bugging me about leaving Louise.  I tell her, “I’ll leave the kids, but I ain’t leaving Louise.  That woman’s stuck with me through a lot of tough times, and I ain’t leavin’ her for some fat, one-armed slag.”  That’s what I tell her.
What else?  We had to go over to Billy’s farm on Sunday to help him cremate all the goats.  Seems the county’s got it in its head again that diseased goats may be the reason all the babies keep dying of goat pox, though I still have my doubts.
Well, I guess that’s it for now, except to say that Dr. Lundgren told me the reason I’ve been having so much trouble keeping my food down lately is that I caught the SIDS, which he promises me is not nearly as bad in adults.
A’ight.  Peace in the triple-oh-trey.  We out.
Your nigga,
Larry Willamette

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Just thought of a great idea for a bar: it's just like any other bar, except instead of a regular happy hour you have dollar Buds and half-priced wings.

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Guess what?  I’m a syndicated gossip columnist now!  I won’t tell you how it all happened, because you just wouldn’t believe it if I did.  All that matters is that I’m a syndicated gossip columnist now!  My nom-de-plume is “The Tinseltown Tattle-Tale,” and I’ve got more juicy tidbits than a can of Del Monte pineapple chunks.  Check it out:

Spotted: Luscious ectomorph Keira Knightly playing dice with a wino by the dumpsters back behind Hollywood's trendy White Lotus.
 Rumor patrol!  Seems a certain TV "Fall Guy" is back to his old tricks.  Word is that this Mr. So-and-So contracted the human immunodeficiency virus from an Arizona transvestite this past Christmas.
 Is it finally splitsville for Wayne Brady and his "good friend" Jerry Orbach?  Our sources say that it's not.
 Observed: Rail-thin Chinawoman Lucy Liu nearly sneezing before the premiere of the tedious new Richard Linklater film.  Also spotted at the red carpet event was the film's star, immaculately groomed himbo Ethan Hawk, accompanied by what appeared to be an underage Dutch prostitute.
Word around town is that Cuba Gooding, Jr. is incredibly annoying, while an informal poll of area busboys and men's room attendants shows that people wish Sandy Duncan would just go away.
 Are those wedding bells I hear for hunky superstar Lorenzo Lamas and fiery TV spitfire Joy Behar, or do I simply have a severe inner-ear infection?  Only my doctor knows for sure. 

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We're asking our readers who they consider the funniest person in the world, and our readers are telling us! 
Eddie Izzard is the funniest man in the world.  He wears nail polish and feather boas and says whimsical things.  He is very "surreal" just like Monty Python.  Another person I think is funny is Tim Allen.  He can say just about anything and I laugh and laugh and laugh.  I also like Dana Carvey a lot.  "Hey Wayne, dude, it's me, Garth!"  Awesome!  On TV I like Al Bundy.  Al Bundy is the funniest!  Like when he puts his hand in his pants!  Ha ha ha ha ha!  I actually just laughed so hard I spilled my Mello Yello!  My mom's gonna kill me!  I better go.
-Freddy

The funniest person in the world is the incomparable Bette Midler.  She's spunky, she's tart, she's sassy, she's vivacious, and she is simply the greatest pure entertainer of this or any other era in this planet's star-studded history.  And is she funny?  Is Tommy Tune tall?
-Roger Staubach

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Here's a bunch of actual, real-life names I wrote down one day a few years ago when I was doing data entry:
Qing-Qing Fan
Alistair J.V. Philp
Helen M. Piwnica-Worms
Beatrice Plougastel
Dietmar G. Schmucker
Winfred "Wink" Clingenpeel, Jr.
Peter Cramp (ha ha ha!)
Diane Fatkin
Mauro B. Ruffy
John E. Rush
Le Gay C. Sheridan
Roberta Shew
Jeroo D. Sinor
Jay P. Slack
Gaylord C. Holder (note: this guy lives in San Francisco!)
Jonathan W. Homeister
A.J. Hudspeth
Johannes Huppa (huppa!)
Perry A. Jackman
Bessie Queen Jones
Dreizel Kaploon
Kaspar Locker-Switz
Richard Cocksley
Huda Zoghbi
Ambrosius Van Hoof

I hope this helped.

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